[a poem made out of my okcupid messages]



today i wandered around lower manhattan
there's not really a lot there
i certainly know that feeling

i cried in a park a little but it was nice
sometimes i feel like i could write a whole pop punk album just from therapy
i'm sorry, that sounds painful
(one day they will learn to sing)

you have very pretty eyes. are they green?
i'm really flattered!
wow usually i can think of something more interesting to say than that

what's your favorite fruit?
any other ideas?
i really wish we were closer
oh wait
hope that's not offensive

are you drunk
don't know much about trans so
want to go on a date?

i'm not a fetish
oh wait
i feel the same way actually
but what made you think that?
but sometime i just stare straight ahead without seeing anything

wow the nostalgia
i don't suppose you remember me
oh my god it's 1 am i need to sleep

i'm visiting the city
it gets really lonely
i'm about to go take a shower. back in a bit

i've been more confident lately and happier with how i look
and i would say that i'm pretty solid at dissociating on public transport
want to go on a date?
i've only ever dissociated once is this a dealbreaker

but dissociating while driving is like "i am going to die", while dissociating on public transit is just kinda melancholic
too bad we're 6742 miles apart

that sounds like something i should do
oh, and sex i guess

have you ever read nevada by imogen binnie?
you're that gross dude no one wants to see
wait so you're trans?
were you thinking about something else?
it's so peaceful

oh no
i guess the big idea or whatever is anomaly is not pathology

yeah, i get that completely
okay here goes
sorry i'm feeling blunt
would you be interested in meeting up sometime?
oh it's okay don't worry it

i live in my parents' basement.
never done that before
i slept through school today

yeah, i get that completely
i do that a lot

how was it?
i'm sorry
sorry, been super busy. we will talk again soon, i promise.

i can talk to you in so many different ways
i wish we were closer

what about you?
are you interested in dating guys or...?
take care of yourself
i feel the same way actually

only once, when i was very young
that's probably healthy
yeah, that's understandable

wait so you're trans?
one sec
that must be rough.

i never expected it
and it totally took over my life

that's fantastic
i feel the same way actually
i never expected it
aw. i did.
but i was never really serious about it

then i decided to be a girl
wow that's amazing

if you figure out how can femininity be empowered without just resembling masculinity, can you please tell me?
probably

i never identified with masculinity at all
i know i get stared at a lot
but not in that way
plus when i drive i get those urges to drive into oncoming traffic
let me buy you a drink

even sadness is better, you know? like today i wandered aimlessly around lower manhattan and cried in a park a little
nah, that doesn't sound like a lot of fun

i'd rather feel anything than not feel at all
i think so, anyway

i don't really care
probably
don't really feel like doing anything
hey, sorry i disappeared

feeling glad i'm a girl
what a wonderful thing
wait so you're trans?
that's so terrible

what kind of stuff do you do with it?
so no to sex?

your profile says you're single
yeah, that makes sense
how was your day?
oh no
i totally understand that

you know what i mean?
want to go on a date?
to answer your question, no
okay. well thank you for helping me understand.
it sounds like we'd get along really well

i have to ask, what's so wrong with being a white male?
i'd love to show you
oh okay

oh! want to hear a joke?
your profile is literally just your dick

seriously?
you are so silly dude
i just find it so funny you can't just be a gay man with feminine attributes
how's that working out for you?

thank god puberty is temporary...
it's been a lot better than i expected
at least so far
it's more exciting
oh that's good to hear
well i know my opinion doesn't mean much but you're really pretty so not much work is needed.
well i compare myself to other people
i've actually been feeling pretty good lately though! except for the loneliness
i keep thinking how much i like being a girl and how lucky i am to get to be myself
i hope it works out!